Recipe for a Perfect Fart

1 c. cold lentil salad with onions and carrots
1/2 c. minced collard greens with pine nuts
7 slightly undercooked brussels sprouts with whole roasted garlic cloves and pancetta
half of Chris's salami-softcheese-butter panino on white bread [pretty sure I have wheat and dairy allergies, and 10 years of vegetarianism seems to have killed my ability to digest meat]
1/4 c. beet salad
big thing of carbonated Limonata
Fro-Yo with "snozzberries"

Combine all in stomach at one delicious yet unwise sitting. Commence to grumble and moan loudly as stomach bloats to pseudo-pregnant proportions. Let loose catastrophically stinky and earth-shatteringly loud farts for hours on end. Wake up following morning still farting.

Serves 1.
Repels 1.

Sulphur Chicken

I just let out a fart that Chris said smelled like a Sulphur Chicken... so I fear that is my new nickname.

Bunnies fart too

proof

It's not appendicitis, it's gas!

The other night, I had such bad abdominal pain I was screaming and crying my head off.  Since it was on the lower right side, my honey started frantically web-researching appendicitis.  I seemed to have all the symptoms, and we considered heading to the hospital.  Then, suddenly,

PPHHBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLATTTTTTTTTTTPHHHHHHHH*poof*

I farted out my "appendix".  An hour later the pain was gone, but my honey was left in a choking miasma of my swamp gas.  

I hear Ganbun had this happen, too, but actually made it into the hospital and had the ER doctor inform her it was just gas.  Care to share? 

Fartsy...

Chatty

My brother in law pronounces the word "asphalt" as "Ass Fart"

Butt Snap

someone farted, I smelled around. Naturally I blamed my dad.

He got all pissed and said "NO! I didn't. Papa is proud of farts. It's Art."

****


another instance was when I commited the nose crime- I dealt one out and he smelt it. He got REALLY PISSED.
Like, really livid. He was screaming at me "Go take a shit!". It was odd how angry he got.

To this day when I think of it, I say WTF?

****

Just a few nights ago, someone... oh fuck it- AYA was giving me shit about a burp I let out.

I said "at least I pass gass through my mouth- not my ass!"

Then, like 8 minutes later, she's talking to my mom and suddenly lets out this violent fart- but it wasn't a loose one, it was really tight and in a soprano range... like a twig cracking or something. A crisp and staccatto fart.

I said "What the fuck was that???!" to which she replied,

"that was a Butt Snap!"

I'm still laughing thinking about it...