Recipe for a Perfect Fart

1 c. cold lentil salad with onions and carrots
1/2 c. minced collard greens with pine nuts
7 slightly undercooked brussels sprouts with whole roasted garlic cloves and pancetta
half of Chris's salami-softcheese-butter panino on white bread [pretty sure I have wheat and dairy allergies, and 10 years of vegetarianism seems to have killed my ability to digest meat]
1/4 c. beet salad
big thing of carbonated Limonata
Fro-Yo with "snozzberries"

Combine all in stomach at one delicious yet unwise sitting. Commence to grumble and moan loudly as stomach bloats to pseudo-pregnant proportions. Let loose catastrophically stinky and earth-shatteringly loud farts for hours on end. Wake up following morning still farting.

Serves 1.
Repels 1.

Sulphur Chicken

I just let out a fart that Chris said smelled like a Sulphur Chicken... so I fear that is my new nickname.