My brother in law pronounces the word "asphalt" as "Ass Fart"

Butt Snap

someone farted, I smelled around. Naturally I blamed my dad.

He got all pissed and said "NO! I didn't. Papa is proud of farts. It's Art."

****


another instance was when I commited the nose crime- I dealt one out and he smelt it. He got REALLY PISSED.
Like, really livid. He was screaming at me "Go take a shit!". It was odd how angry he got.

To this day when I think of it, I say WTF?

****

Just a few nights ago, someone... oh fuck it- AYA was giving me shit about a burp I let out.

I said "at least I pass gass through my mouth- not my ass!"

Then, like 8 minutes later, she's talking to my mom and suddenly lets out this violent fart- but it wasn't a loose one, it was really tight and in a soprano range... like a twig cracking or something. A crisp and staccatto fart.

I said "What the fuck was that???!" to which she replied,

"that was a Butt Snap!"

I'm still laughing thinking about it...

Can you Bottle a Fart?

I thought i'd share this childhood story for you......

must've been 6th grade.....i was at my best friend, Jeff's house in the summer
and we were being typical kids .....being bored.....skating.....playing nintendo......
hmmmmmm....what to do....????
I know.....let's fart into this jar and bottle it for a week and see if it still smells!
I let one rip and then quickly capped it.
The next week we were hanging out and decided to re-visit that jar.
"You open it"
"No , YOU open it"
back and forth... back and forth......
how are we going to find out if it's still in there?!?!?!?!?
...wellll......(and i know some of you will hate me for it, but keep in mind I'm 11 yrs old)
my best friend's sister's little kitty happened to be strolling by......
Jeff picked her up and held her and I brought the jar over to her.
I opened the jar and held it to her face.
She immediately recoiled, and the claws came out!
Luckily I was only holding the jar, but Jeff
had some serious scratches.

Farting preacher

I was but a child when one day a visitor came to see my parents with a VHS tape (before the youtube for you whipper snappers) in their hand. We went into the den and popped the video in and within 5 seconds we were in an uproar, laughing so hard tears rolled down our cheeks. Internet virgins we were. watch the video here

The songbird toots

"Songbird is a free software media player and web browser developed by Pioneers of the Inevitable (with members who previously developed for both Winamp and the Yahoo! Music Engine), with a stated mission "to incubate Songbird, the first Web player, to catalyze and champion a diverse, open Media Web."-From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Notice the bird's flatulence. Visit Songbird for more...

Experiments

Hypothesis:
If one were to tape a dryer sheet (Bounce) to the outside of their underwear or inside the seat of their pants, would this make farts smell like a breath of fresh air?
hmmmmmmm....
Stay tuned for results.

EVERY TEEN'S WORST ENEMY: FART LOCK

FART LOCK! It's the worst thing we could possibly do to our bodies, but we do it every day. In class, at the library, on the bus, at the workplace, at fancy restaurants, even in public restrooms, we unconsciously put ourselves on fart lock and pack in the pressure so that people won't stare at us when we ttthhhhhhhbbpppppppppp. We even endure abdominal pain in order to avoid social isolation. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?!

I'd like to share some methods of deflating the situation, when you're particularly desperate to fart the fuck up but you don't want to see your date leave your house, and thus ruin your chances at gettin' laid:

1. Don't sit on leather or plastic materials. If anything, farting on nonporous surfaces likes these augment and enhance the timbre of your farts. Choose soft, porous textiles like cotton, wool, angory; they'll muffle sound AND absorb smell.

2. Make some excuse to take a walk around the block; offer to stop by the liquor store to get another 40oz or say you need to bring in the garbage cans. Run out of the house, and then fart along the whole way.

3. Sit in an operating vehicle. Cars are loud, and their seats are very porous (felt-covered sponge!).

4. Fuck it. Just fart loudly and proudly wherever the hell you are; if you lose all your friends and lovers in the end, who gives a shit? At least you'll no longer be in unnecessary pain.

Well Above Average

According to webMD, the average person farts 6-20 times per day.  I am most definitely not average.  I'd say 100-200 times per day is more my speed.  Does anyone else out there fart this much?  Or am I a flatulent freak? 

I did find a gaseous Yelper with hilarious reviews based on how much gas the restaurant gives him:  http://soosoo.yelp.com

Similarly, I think I'll start cataloguing how different foods affect the tone, intensity, and depth of my many butt trumpetings.  Get psyched, world!  Good thing you can't smell me.

Fartquakes

Have you ever farted so loud in your sleep, that you wake up?
She has!!!!!
I couldn't stop giggling every time there was a loud "pbbbbbbththththfffffT"
followed by a sleepy, "huh?...wha was?... zzzzzz..."

Breakin' Through

A fart is born! First staff meeting held at Silentbuttdanlee's house. We're excited and you should be too. Breakin' the fart barrier in 2008.