FART LOCK! It's the worst thing we could possibly do to our bodies, but we do it every day. In class, at the library, on the bus, at the workplace, at fancy restaurants, even in public restrooms, we unconsciously put ourselves on fart lock and pack in the pressure so that people won't stare at us when we ttthhhhhhhbbpppppppppp. We even endure abdominal pain in order to avoid social isolation. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?!
I'd like to share some methods of deflating the situation, when you're particularly desperate to fart the fuck up but you don't want to see your date leave your house, and thus ruin your chances at gettin' laid:
1. Don't sit on leather or plastic materials. If anything, farting on nonporous surfaces likes these augment and enhance the timbre of your farts. Choose soft, porous textiles like cotton, wool, angory; they'll muffle sound AND absorb smell.
2. Make some excuse to take a walk around the block; offer to stop by the liquor store to get another 40oz or say you need to bring in the garbage cans. Run out of the house, and then fart along the whole way.
3. Sit in an operating vehicle. Cars are loud, and their seats are very porous (felt-covered sponge!).
4. Fuck it. Just fart loudly and proudly wherever the hell you are; if you lose all your friends and lovers in the end, who gives a shit? At least you'll no longer be in unnecessary pain.
1 comment:
I find that the best way to avoid fart locks is by guerrilla farting.
Guerrilla farting is about tactical movement while releasing. Normally one would choose a path that avoids seated people and allows rapid walking without drawing attention.
At work I will normally use the staircases at either ends of the building. I go one flight down, go along a quiet corridor and up a flight at the other end of the building. By the time anyone smells your doing you should long gone.
This method is very adaptable and can be used in museums, libraries, universities and any public building obliged to observe fire codes.
When feeling particularly mischievous or I am irritates by colleagues, I invoke a revenge campaign by depositing spectaculars in the elevator, staff kitchenette, the photocopy room, etc.
I hope this technique is of assistance to you and your readership.
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